I despise MySpace. I rank it right up there with ingrown toenails, manga, and Carlos Mencia. I admit, I used to spend a fair amount of time using it, but I’ve moved on. I’ve been planning this post for a while now, and finally, it is time. Here now, are my reasons that MySpace sucks.
1. It’s either broken or extremely slow.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried to send someone an email using MySpace where it’s either timed out or just done nothing. There was a time when I would have to re-login everytime I went to another page. I know, shame on me for trying to use the messaging system.
2. The design is absolutely horrible.
Dear Tom,
You are far and away one of the worst web designers I have ever seen in my entire life. Just because you learned how to make a box using HTML and CSS doesn’t mean you put 45 of them on every single page. Your interface is clunky and you can’t fine anything when you’re looking for it. It’s infuriating. This leads me to my next point.
3. Epileptics can’t use it.
People without any experience in web design should not be allowed to tweak their profile settings. 95% of peoples sites are so laden with animated GIF’s, embedded YouTube videos, and “funny” pictures that I soil myself just looking at them. Here are a few sites and my first thoughts when I read them.
Let’s See How Much Crap We Can Fit On One Page – “Oh ha ha Tiffany, let me scroll horizontally to see what hilarious little icons you have on here. You go Gurl! LOL LOL!”
I’m Creepy – “…”
I Love Funny Videos! – “Hey, I have 45 minutes to spare! I’m going to watch all of these mildly entertaining videos.”
4. It encourages creepy shows like “To Catch a Predator”…
Which in turn, inspires even creepier local newscast versions of the same show. True Story: A guy my fiancee went to college with got busted on national television for being a pedophile.
5. It’s full of some of the saddest, loneliest people in the world.
So many people send out 30 bulletins a day. What are they doing? Who actually goes through there and reads every single one of those things? Don’t you have a job? “Oh, wow, our moms went to college together? That’s awesome! I’m so glad you randomly emailed me on MySpace when I’ve never met you! Let’s get married!”
6. Many blogs are full of pretentious Grad School “Literature”
This is a quote from someone’s actual blog:
“It’s a pistol night. Kill me a downtown rabbit and I’ll show you what it looks like on the inside—just the same as any other rabbit. A cartridge weighs a lot less in its expended form. Also, no matter how old it is, it always smells like the explosion that changed its shape. Cordite tingles your nostrils like the tip of a nine-volt battery on your tongue. Unfortunately, bullets and cartridges never reunite. My reality is an empty cartridge, bouncing loosely on caliche dreamstones.”
Wow, you’re so existential. It’s so good that I just shaved my chest hair off and glued it to my face. You know, while you’re at it, maybe you should just use that pistol and blow off your fingers so you can’t type this crap anymore.
7. Despite all of these reasons, I still check the damn thing.
